the pain

It really is hard when you like someone and they don't like you back. It's painful. It hurts. Its confusing.

And even if they don't treat you the way you would like to be treated, you will still like them and come up with excuses for why they are treating you like that. Then you begin to blame yourself. You send them a message in which they don't reply. So you tell yourself:

"he was drunk"
"he was probably high and had mind blanks"
"I sent the message too late so it was awkward to reply to when he woke up"
"he hates me"
"Nah but maybe.."
"no, he hates me"
"He's way out of my league"
"That message sounded slutty"
"He knows I'm not a slut though"
"I hope he doesn't think I'm desperate?"
"I was just up for some fun, that's all"
"I hate myself"
"why did I do that"
"shit! I meant to press delete not send! shit shit shit!"
"He's opened it, no that means he's read it"
"Do I explain? yes no yes no yes NO."
"Don't message him ever again"
"But what if he did like me"
"NO, he has never liked you. He's just using you!
"I'm not going to like someone who can't reply to a simple message"
"FUCK MY LIFE"
"I wonder if he'll message me today, probably not but I can still hope"
"hope is all I've got to play with"
"must get fitter so my body looks at least presentable"
"I shaved my legs"
"I shaved for him"
"FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT IS MY LIFE"
"why am I complaining when there are people out there starving?!"
"I need to be a better person"
"I need to move on"
"It's time to move on"
"I'm over it now, I'm so done"
"Why has he messaged me after all this time"
"I better message back, don't want to be rude"

And it starts all over again. This is the third time now this sort of thing has happened. Can you see why I'm confused, upset, hurt, crying, emotional, moody. If someone made one of my friends feel like this I would be telling her to ignore him and to forget about him. But now I understand how they must have felt. It is very hard to ignore someone you like. And especially if you're a push-over like me. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Its so painful.